I understand you

More, so I guess now all that hurts me is friendship.
But i'll try to understand you more.
As much as the people in my life don't try

You, on the other hand.
I have been deceived by myself enough time to stop believing my own fantasies.
You might very well be my first mistake-
Might actually like me but I fail to acknowledge
But do we really blame me if that were the case?
In any way-
I don't have much qualms if it ends up every other way.
Not because I don't like you enough,
But because i'm used to it.

We're over but we're not

If my time in your life is up,
Just know it's not on a bitter note.
I'm the happiest to see you grow
It's neither our faults that we outgrew each other
I used to say "We always have a choice" and perhaps yes we still do-
Except this time we're failing to choose each other.

If my role in your chapter is up,
Just know i'm the most thankful.
We ever happened- that's what matters the most.
When we end it with a bang,
It will either end, or ironically be a fresh new start.
Love is always about choosing each other everytime
And you're failing at doing that lately.

Like I said, I never blame you.
You're pursuing yourself after all these years,
And i'm the happiest for you.

If we are not endgame,
Just know that while i'll always pray for you behind your back (knowing you'd do the same for me)
(Barney songs are playing and it reminds me of friendship and love)
It will always be bittersweet that we don't get to go through more milestones together.
But if your stop has come and you have arrived at your destination,
You should go.
If it means you growing without me by your side,
You must go.
The worst part is that you know this.
The best part is, that you know this.

Dear babyshark

What business does my heart have,
Hurting for you?

He knows best

Humans' hearts are moved at different timing,
To remind ourselves and each other of kindness
Sometimes when I see someone doing something kind I think,
"Why didn't I think of that?"
And sometimes when I do something kind I think "This is what a decent human would do," to the awe of others.
I'm glad our hearts gets shaken in different ways.

So apparent

I wonder how with a scarred heart you could scar others
Has it healed too well?
How could you bring yourself to come between a friendship?
Or were you sent to show me that you weren't that worth it after all?

Nice things to remember

When someone said,
"I never realised how much I looked up to you until something bad happened and my first thought was to find you because I knew you'd know what to say or do"

When a voice I admired so much sat me down every time to ask how I sang because "You have no idea how much I love you voice if only you could read my mind"

When a person I thought dismissed me each time wrote me a letter and identifying me as "The amazing Queen with a golden heart"

Sometimes I need to remember nice things, especially on days we feel like we've done nothing much.

A lesson learnt

And as long as I refuse to learn it,
It will keep on coming.

Doesnt stop me from recalling, and asking.

Of downgraded friendship,
And unfated fate-
I will be ok.
I will find people who will love me as well as I love them, and care for me as much as I do for them.
For now, I am okay.

Few things

Few things in plan, but never attempted-
To graduate in 3 years,
Conventions galore,
Activism participation,
Ring on the finger

My time for grand will come, and I make the best of my time.
Insyaallah.

Acceptance is healing

For a moment it felt like we were back to the past,
But then I saw your eyes trail hers and I got a rude awakening
It will never be the exact same
I stood up and walked away.
That's the least I could do for myself

I think I just love myself in a weird way

Think i'd have a fair share, ample even, of people who aren't sincere and true
Every single time it traps and burns but every single time too I keep giving chances-
But these chances comes at a price
The more I give up, the more the hurt when the ironically expected pain comes.
Why do I do this to myself, I don't know.
Do I not love myself enough?
Is this what Naive means?
But I know what i'm doing every single time.
Is this a case of misallocated kindness?
Where though is the compassion if i'm not being nice to myself?

Bitches gonna bitch and champions like me gotta just champ on-
This honestly is unnecessary hurt and I do not require this at all

=××=
All these done,
At least now I know you're just that kind of person
Does not excuse you,
But hey.
I can learn to feel better

Current state: going to wikihow to gauge my friendships (or lack thereof)

Consider accepting the relationship as it is.It’s normal for people to grow apart over time, but that doesn’t mean you have to end the friendship completely. Think about whether you can accept and enjoy this friendship for what it is, even if you wish you were closer to the other person.

For instance, maybe you can stay on good terms with this person and see them a few times a year, even if you’re not best friends anymore.

Work on making some new friends to ease the sting of downgrading a close friend to an acquaintance.

It's okay to take a short break from the friendship so that you can come to terms with the change.

-Wikihow

Evaluation

Sometimes the people furthest from us cares more than we think.
I have so many good people in my life who would be willing to be there for me.
Why do I keep expecting and doing the same for people who wont do crap for me?

hurt

the moment you called her to ask if she was gonna be there before deciding whether you were going,
i was simultaneously touched by the reminder of love(ish)
and hurt by your actions.

lol

uninvited

after so long,
i dreamt of you.
were you thinking of me before you fell asleep?

in my dreams you reconciled us-
i tried to hide but you said
"are we really not going to talk about us?"
and i said,
"ok fine"

the dream ended ridiculous, we were hugging while walking down the street
don't have to come true but at least reconcile?

unless we're truly the epitome of perpendicular lines-
meet once never to reconcile again
either way i'll always wish you well and you know it
be happy, safe and kind.
♡

How come

Why are boys so daring,
Having a heart for one but spreading the love for all?
Why is it that they can with no guilt make girls fall for them while returning to home base every single time?
How can they be so unavailable but open
Wtheck, sunshine.
And all the boys ever.

Lil shiz

Ultimately the boys we want wants pretty girls who needs their help,
A hand to hold a place to whine
Girls don't need a kind heart,
Boys don't care about heart.
Girls don't need intelligence,
Boys are afraid of it.
Girls don't need maturity,
The lackof in boys makes you seem odd.

Guys just want pretty girls who needs them.

Where are we

On a bright note, you didn't cross my mind once during my birthday
A week on though and i'm already wondering how you are
Just be fine and stop bothering me

Asking myself

It's ironic that we get disappointed by the things we should be grateful to be protected from
Do you treat her better because she's pretty and ideal?
And why do I feel down when I should be glad that a clear sign that you shouldnt be  considered
Why do I feel weird when you don't go out of your way like I go out of mine?
How do you manage to constantly disappoint me?

Elimination.
Closer to the right one.

Are we

Are you even a friend worth keeping?
Every wrong move I make you return with a checkmate
And a chuckle
Every wrong word I say you reply with a control x control v
Everything I do right passes by your brain and the wrongs just stay stuck etched in your memory
The voices in your head are tempting
And i am disappointed that youre giving in
I thought we have always been exclusive
But apparently not
Obviously not.

Boys are selfish

I'm tired
You make me happy and now you make me sad
You hold my hand but you say goodbye
You need your space but you invade mine
Now that i'm comfortable you chose to leave
Why is it up to you?
What happens to me?
And more importantly why do I feel lost even though this was what I have wanted since the start-
Not you?

Anyway

Has these few nights been sleepless because of you?
The one I claim I don't care about?
Well it's your fault
And mine mostly but still yours
Don't bring me up and then push me to fall without harness thinking my wings are strong enough
Because honestly I arrived here without them-
Trusting you obviously wrongfully

Dear sunshine

I'm sick of complicating things. I’m tired of trying to shape love into something I can grasp between my fingertips. I hate having to worry so much about what’s right, or what makes sense, or what I should do, or who I should love.

With you, it’s not about those things.

It’s not about whether this will make perfect sense or whether it’s a forever type of feeling. It’s not about having all the answers. It’s not about knowing who we will become or where we will go before we’ve even started.

I’ve always been the type of girl who likes to know, who likes to plan, who likes to see the world laid out in front of her and map the first few steps.

But with you it’s different.

It’s not about counting the days or calculating the probability that we stay perfectly content where we are. It’s not about measuring our affection, seeing if it will one day transform into love. It’s not about having this predetermined path that these feelings will guide us on.

You make me smile. And sometimes it’s just that simple.

When I look at you, I see a thousand stories carved into your skull. I see memories; I see laughter. I see the person you’ve been, the person I want to discover. And I feel a million and one things I want to tell you, dancing like pop rocks at the tip of my tongue.

When you speak, I find myself mulling your words over, like they’re foreign and strange, like I’m listening to the sweet, syrupy sound of another language. When you smile, I feel my heart swell, thick and proud in my chest, pulsing through the tips of my fingertips like I’m on fire from the inside.

When I look at you, I don’t know what we will become.
But that doesn’t really matter.

What I know is that every single time our eyes meet and your lips turn into an upwards curve, I feel this unexplainable glow, this unmeasurable strength, this undefinable courage to fall back into love, no matter how many times I’ve fallen down.

You don’t have all the answers. You aren’t a saint or my savior. There are so many ways that you won’t measure up to the world’s standards. You’re imperfect and too loud and you already have taken up too much space in my heart.

But you make me see the world in a different light. You make my head spin in circles. You make the corners of my mouth turn upwards and stay frozen, a constancy I’ve never experienced.

You make me smile.
You make the world brighter.

You make me believe in things like forever and happiness with that smile of yours. And no, I don’t have all the answers of where we will be days, months, years from now or who we will become.

All I know is that you make me smile.
And I‘ll keep smiling right back.

-Thought catalog

Fight the temptation

and a lady entrusting me with her feelings
and a man coming clean with his
and me reminding myself not to get in the way of a potenial love
of me reminding myself that it happened to me once and never again will anyone face the same thing around me
(but love cannot be forced)
but if im the cause what's the worth
(but theyre not even serious)
a lady's mouth muttering words of surrender
a man's oblivion
but i know both are lies
and im still standing in the middle seeking a way to escape

i always knew this would happen but why did i still allow it to

Why would one cheat

There will never be a valid reason,
I said,
As I bask in the attention of the person i'm not involved with.
Maybe that is it-
To chase ways to cover up the missing elements
It's never a valid reason.
Especially if you haven't even gone through the issues with your loved one.
If they still fail and you really want the littlest things they can't give;
Leave. Leave and not cheat.
It hurts but it's your fault nonetheless,
And it hurts but at least one of you will get out less scathed.

Forlorn happiness

I was looking around for shadows of you
Images of you dancing,
Laughing, glances I
Shied away from,
Stares I avoided
Now I wish nothing but for more of those to happen.
Hearing your terrible singing voice echoing through the whole club,
Feeling you getting closer,
Getting shocked every single time you appear
Your automatic smile whenever you see me,
Your hands finding its way to open the doors for me,
Your soothing voice always making my insides melt
Your random commentary
The first eye contact,
Your gentle chuckles and even you giving me instructions.
Don't leave so soon, sunshine.

I promise I wont harbour any feelings for you.
I respect you enough.

All these hearts and none my share

Your heart is taken, period.

Yours i'm not sure, probably is?

Apparently yours is, for a love that ended abruptly causing you to be hung up over her

And your heart... is it even there?

Are we special?

You only text me at night
But you wouldn't call me Friend

Heartbreak hotel

THAT SETTLES IT I DONT WANT NO BOIS IN MUH LIFE FOR NOW

BYE

Here it comes again

The dreadful feeling when you begin realising that someone is losing interest, falling out,
And moving on-
Without you.

and i thought we were different.

Sanctity in drowing

But it's ok that broken hearts comes in waves
It hurt all at once and then not again
I don't think a human can handle prolonged heartbreak
It's ok that disappointments comes one after another
You learn not to expect any more,
But you also learn to give yourself more chances.
It's ok that you don't care as much as I do
I live life no longer for the idea of you but fully for myself
And who I am is kind, caring and loving.
Your lack of validation does not affect me.
It's ok that you have no clue anyway.
I'm ok

Im not

Im not overly attached but why do you only text me at night
Is that when you feel loneliest and i'll be your only company?

Why would you even

What's there to like?
You're not that bright not that kind
Not that beautiful and not that social butterfly
You're not even yourself to yourself
Sure you're smart but that don't matter to lonely hearts
They seek companionship but you're not the best friend
You don't talk
You're not that interesting

I'm a one time affair and i'm ok with that for now
Because I cannot comprehend

How apt

It appeared this secret, special little romance I had formed in my head was just that, all in my head.

As we were asked to take our seats and the crowd turned their backs to them, I watched him pull her in and plant a gentle kiss on her forehead. A gesture so small and quick you could have blinked and missed it.

But it said everything I needed to hear. We weren’t secret lovers, meant to be together, to defy the odds. We were coworkers, and this was only a work crush

-Thought catalog-

He's taken

Just two words changed my life
Your glow is dimming quicker than I wouldve wanted
But it also makes sense
How could someone like you not be attached?
But what explains the way you treat me?
What hurts is knowing that I enjoyed the treatment and actually looked forward to seeing you everytime.
What sucks is that i've been doing this to someone's love of their life.
So I urge we both stop.
You especially because I can't move on this fast.
Sunshine.
Thanks 4 the mmries.

You surprise me

That last eye contact before we parted ways was important
Through the glass door that I can't even recall how it opened except I knew you were holding it
And while I was trying to open that second door during lunch to no avail and you just appeared behind me.
That last eye contact before we parted ways was important
And so was your smile asking me to have a good meeting

In the long run

I can not find it in me to imagine hurting someone
I'm so glad I got hurt early in life- it makes me realise that i'd rather take the blow than let someone else feel the hurt, especially if it is unnecessary and if i'm in control.

You trusted me with your feelings and I cannot betray you the way i've been betrayed
True matters of the heart can't be forced but I am the deciding factor for your hurt.
It would blow less if it wasn't me.

And you trusted me around your love.
I cannot play with him the way he plays with you.
The thought sickens me to the core and you deserve the best.

Most of all,
I hope this is all in my head because that way,
I'm back to the usual.
I'm back to the only one being hurt is me.
Because I think I know how to handle heartbreaks.

D(amn)ear you

Rolls eyes again.
Why do you always pull me back in right as I decide to leave you behind?????????

Maybe i'm just not used to having friends who asks how im doing
Maybe that's why i'm overthinking your friendly intentions
Don't compare me to the others
Too quickly

To sunshine

Dear Sunshine,

I am writing this letter to let you know that I like you the moment I set my eyes on you. It grows deeper by day and believe me I’ve tried every possible way to shrug and avoid this feeling. Funny how though, we hardly talk, but those small talk from the past is enough for me to treasure for a lifetime.

You may not be able to read this letter anyway for I have no guts on giving this to you. If you happened to read this letter by any means I want you to leave it just like that. You don’t have to answer nor mention it. I forbid you. I know I am hallucinating to believe that you will feel the same for I know it is impossible. No, I am not asking for more, meeting you and knowing you is more than enough.

So I want you to stay quiet, go on with your beautiful and adventurous life, have fun and continue being awesome as you are. This letter happens to just pass you by, that it never happened, that this is just like our normal encounter every day; ignoring each other. Because knowing that you read this makes me fall to my knees and makes my pulse race.

I also want you to know that your voice is music to my ears, that I end up wearing my earplugs almost every day because hearing more means falling for you more.

Did you know that you have the sweetest smile that I have ever seen? And that you look twice more handsome when you throw one?

But most of all you have the most passionate eyes. And I wonder how many fall on their knees when they see you stare? You have a stare that could mean anything or nothing to someone, but for me it means everything. It means even for a while I get to glimpse with those eyes, with your passionate eyes.

And lastly, you wear your hair like no one else can. Be it your usual centre parting or the lazy side fringe. You wear it like an armor, like you are the most masculine of all.

To tell you honestly, you are the person I never wanted to meet. Because I know meeting someone like you means changing my beliefs, it means a big impact on my everyday life. You are the person I never planned to meet. You are the person I was afraid to meet. You are the person I never expected to meet.

But I want to thank you. Because meeting you means I am still alive, that after all those bad times in the past that I almost believe that this is impossible to feel again, like an arrow shot from a crossbow, like a flash of lighting leaving a jagged line across the sky, it happened, so sudden that it is almost foreign to me.

Thank you, though I know you have no idea about this, thank you, because in the shortest months of my life I feel more alive than ever, more delighted, more colorful.

You serve as the rainbow after all the storms. Thank you for being my inspiration in so many ways you know nothing about.
I’m afraid for this day to come, to finally bid goodbye. I feel so sad every time I think of it and I do think of it every day; from the moment I open my eyes in the morning to the moment I close it at night. If only I can drag the days longer to always hear your voice even if I always wear my earplugs, to always see your smile, to always take a sneak on your eyes, to always admire how your hair perfectly suits you.

If only I can drag the days longer to always be with you even from afar and feel your presence each and every time. It hurts and it hurts more every day. If only I can wipe all the feelings I have for you. If only I can teach this heart of mine to stop beating for you. If only I can unlove you. If only it would be that easy. I will. But it isn’t, because I have fallen for you more than I can imagine.

I’m sorry for liking you.

I’m sorry if, for the past months that me glancing-to-staring at you gives you creeps. Sorry if I irritate you when you catch me glaring at you. I don’t even know why I am apologizing in the first place but I know somehow with those instances I felt that I annoyed you and I am deeply sorry for that. It’s just, there are some things in this world you can’t let your eyes off it; no matter how hard you tried diverting away from everything.

I guess that’s the beauty of the eyes, it will lead you right back where it finds beauty beyond comparison; but as tricky as it is, it pursues the things that will hurt you all the more without it knowing as it did to mine.

I guess it’s just me building pile of memories with my eyes that somewhere behind it, it has seen something worth staring, worth keeping, worth remembering.

Please don’t hate my words. There are days that I’m bad at it.

I’m really bad at it.

If by fate we see each other again one day, I don't want you to ignore me, to continue walking, to continue where you are going. I want you to smile at me and wave at me and ask how am I. But no, please, don’t do that.

And God’s be good you will live a life with so much adventure, a life not just what you desire but a life that you deserve with your family, your friends, and your special someone. And I am more than happy to know that.

Thank you because, because of you, I have felt this kind of emotion the same feeling I have when I’m on top of every mountain, the same feeling I have when I’m in the middle of the sea, the same feeling I have when I am surrounded by my books.

Thank you because, because of you I have felt this kind of emotion; as high as the highest peak and as deep as deepest sea and all the roads in between.

See you at the crossroads, this whole thing meeting you, it was and still an extraordinary and blissful adventure, and I hope we'll continue being friends beyond this.

Still hoping, this is not smart

I made it pretty clear to myself
But you helped my alter blur myself again
I'd say you're unkind
But truth is i'm being unkind to myself

Maybe coffee will make me feel better

Is loneliness a choice then- now that im surrounded by family so close yet so distant.
Or is exactly 0n3 person affecting my m00d
This is madness
Humans are weird
The brain and esteem is weird
Validation as consolation is not really validation
And consolation as validation is definitely unchartered territory.
My heart was supposed to be full- why is it as empty as my tear ducts and stomach
(sed reacts 0nly)

//edit//

No. Even the coffee is disappointing.
What even this is a contrast of last year but it is unfair for me, us really to deprive the new ones from feeling the high

The first glance

I remember the first time I saw you
On my first day of work
It was a glance,
But you stuck through
I looked out for you but I never did see you
The second time I saw you was a great day.
But now you're braver, I gotta get braver too.

Thanks no thanks

I'll tell you straight up
Im not used to this kind of attention
Whatmore treatment
So pardon me if I get too awkward
You just bring every cheesy thing I ever imagined
It's like i'm both surprised but relieved
Blurred lines between hope and expect
You just deliver
Go on, my love

i dont think we're right

Yes you attract me
U smile I smile
But i'd rather get the signs that we're not right now than later down the road

Yes it's disappointing
But i dont know if I have it in me to wait for you
To be who you're not
It's not even fair
But if your personal development requires my presence,
I'll be a friend.

Yes you'll still be my sunshine.
You make me happy when skies might be grey.
You just have a face that makes my heartbeat erratic.
And your calming soothing voice and the way you handle us-
I sigh in content that I got to know you at all.

Dear sunshine, you're not who I think you are,
But I am aware that you're probably not what I think I know you are
I don't know what to do with you honestly.
For now i'll just take advantage of the effect you have on me.
You're mesmerizing.

I failed.

Ya Allah ni baru ujian kecil kau berikan
Berikan kami semua kesabaran dan ketenangan hati.

You never know dear

Started my morning with your smile,
And it hurts that it made me feel so bright
That I don't even know you
Regardless, i'm happy I even got to know you exist
You bring light to my already bright life
Sunshine
You're mine to embrace

Random thoughts at 7am

How could I expect her to be there when I made it clear from the start that I don't need her?
How could I blame her for not being a good friend when I Declared myself as low maintanence?

How could this happen twice in my life?
Seeing your muse get into a relationship?
Babyshark, and now Gyro.
It could happen again, it could happen everytime I find interest in someone.
It could keep going.
But how could I complain while I keep on praying to be distanced from those wrong for me?
How could I ask for the best and wish for the best to be my best?

How could I harbour hope again?
In Koala when simple distractions pulled me away from him so easily?
When I wrote about letting him go because we were too different, when it was convenient and I had options?
How could I wait for more coincidences to happen before deciding to hope again?

Is it possible that in liking my muse, the other girls too did not have intentions to hurt?
No intentions to fall for the same guy I fell for.
No wrongdoings too; I myself said "Why would I be mad, he's not even mine."
Because I know when my heart fell for a commoner, I truly feel guilty but I find myself pushing that away sometimes because "It's not like i'm doing anything, I just enjoy his company" failing to realise that from the eyes of an admirer, it's exactly what would hurt 

Seeking constant self reflection.
May what we think reflect what we feel.

Which is harder

Liking someone you meet very often,
Liking someone you meet once a week,
Or liking someone you don't even know the name of?

The first one I spend late nights with. We share heart to heart and we can spend hours just talking. It's a weird kind- it's comfortable, but there are still gentle flutters of butterflies whenever our eyes meet or when there's silence between us, or when he smiles out of nowhere. When he offers to help and laughs at my jokes, and we share a look that only we understand. He is a friend. Untouchable.

The second I see every week. I know his life story, but we barely talk. We hang out till 4am, but we barely talk. He teases me and stares at me, but he barely speaks his mind. He too laughs at my jokes even when they're not funny and when they're not meant for him to hear. We spend time together doing something we love- singing and brain exercises. He is really kind, just like the first one. But alas, he is a friend too. Untouchable.

This last one. I don't know the next time i'll see him, I don't even know his name. But he is cute. He keeps saying I look familiar and honestly he looks familiar to me too. He defends a few times so far, and that is precious to me. He buys me a drink and shares a philosophical book he read. But I don't know his name. And our worlds are too different and far to meet.

Best of all, I get the full experience. Having interest in a friend, an acquaintence (sorry second one) and a stranger. All different distances in my life but in my heart they're all the same. So close, yet so far.

6th may 2018

You asked me what would angels do,
I soar with heavens and the thought of you,
Going higher the longer I stop to think,
Forgetting that the fall will be a crash
You asked her what love would do,
Now I know my place for you,
Angels dont exist
Neither do we

13th may
Im over you
But you still give me butterflies.

Is it a bad thing

Are you too comfortable that you forget reciprocrisy is necessary
To make this everlasting?

Por que?

3 word poem

Simple and genuine

Honest and raw

I miss you.

Though I shouldn't

But who's saying

that I couldnt

It's just me

Torn and beaten

Heartbeat is broken

I could

I could be a good friend
I guess intuitively I know your limits and I subconsciously match it, but consciously trying to do more each time.
But I could really be a good friend.
More than what you think.
The most you'd do for me, or my family, is the most i'd do for you, and a little bit.
Because I could go beyond, but what is the point when you don't even meet the simplest requirement of being there for me when needed, making time for me, prioritizing our friendship.
Perhaps an equally good friend is waiting out there- the phil to my dan, the harper to my alex, the ken to my barbie
And maybe that person doesn't even exist
I hope to get an answer so I can either treat you the way I would treat myself,
Or live as a human with too many untouched potential.

Just stop this chase

I'd say i'm doing a good job avoiding us
Or at least the idea of us, since you somehow manage to pull me back a few times.
Yes the ropes are in your hand,
But I have scissors at my will.
The only question is,
Why am I still not cutting it?
Well, at least I know i'm progressing.

Can you go away

I'm trying to read but your voice is echoing every words I see
I tried writing it out but my heartbeat remains unsteady.
My breathing gets so shallow and i'm trying to take deep breaths but the thought of you constrict me.
Exactly what are thoughts made out of?

Please spare me?

I hate the power you have over me
I'm regaining them.
But each time I decide i'm out
You switch on your charm unknowingly
And I have to start my climb once again.
From the bottom.

Ibarat kunci tersalah pintunya

You're locked
And im a key
And as happy as we were to find out our mutual need,
We forgot to check if I fit.

I don't.

Too easy too quickly

Seems like you've mastered the art of harming and healing.
Because for me the hurt comes in waves.
But who am I to complain when it takes so little to hurt and so little to heal.
You somehow soothe it in the easiest way- a smile, heck, a glance,

Please don't change?

So many Yeahs but so little agreement
No disagreement but such vast perceptions
We used to be tied in unison, synchronicity of heartbeats and brainwaves.
Now you have progessed without my shadow.
I'm holding on to your illusion.
As long as I am,
Please dont leave

I don't deserve this

I do not need your magnetic fields surrounding and suffocating me,
Attracting and repelling whenever convenient
I do not want your hot and cold,
Temperament more inconsistent than the consistency of the tides.
I definitely do not appreciate your mixed signals,
And your touches and words and gaze and smile.

I don't want to know how you play these games because as much as it disturbs me,
I don't want to be player 2.

Wrong focus

It's so weird how low maintainence people infatuated are.
You'll bend over backwards to impress the people you like but they won't budge
You smile a split second to a heart that holds yours and man-
You made their world.
Just by existing.

So, shall we go out of our way to make the people who matter, happy?
Or remain trying to impress those who has no eyes for us?

Either way I lose

Now I can't decide whether to write about our memories
The lost present
Or the future and the what ifs

3652 days

I've never imagined a decade
But I always knew it'd end up this way
I couldnt fathom the thought yet I somehow knew it couldnt go any other way.

I want nothing

I'm not wanting to turn this fire into flame-
We are so unprepared and falling is not as easy as it sounds

You are not

Normal crushes are ok,
I know how to handle them
But you dearest
You are not normal.

You are my friend first and foremost,
All these while my crushes are people I rarely speak to
But a day without speaking to you I feel empty inside.

You are undeclared,
Noone knows if your heart is taken,
And by who, even,
You always say no,
You are not a lover.

You share your stories that I love to hear,
And I have no idea if I should reciprocrate.
Because
You are not my best friend.

I admire you still, though.
You are special.
Kind heart and bright smiles,
You fill my days with understanding and heart races.

You feel nothing but I feel everything.
You are not at fault.

You bother me

03.01 am

It's true the old wives' tales,
That when you're falling,
You'll eat without feeling full,
Cleanse without feeling wet,
And sleep without feeling rested.
Or in my case,
I can't sleep, love.

And you're the cause.

Why did you have to change

Stop abusing those powers,
And smiling while hurting others just because you know I won't do anything about it
You can trample on my heart as much as you want
But hands off my friends.

I'm disassociating your unkind heart from theirs.
The worst part is I used to place you among them- among those who understood and among those who tried.
None of us were perfect but we chose to show our best sides for each other.
Until you faltered.

Until you learnt that you had what it takes to gain instant gratification,
To lure your wants and needs faster
You left us behind and that was enough,
But you chose to spit your venom each time we come face to face.

Now I hate to have to do this,
But if it comes to it,
I cordially invite you to a duel- a losing duel where you come prepared with your usual poison while I come with nothing but hope and memories- hope of who you are deep down and memories of who we once were.
And I know the outcome, I can foresee it even from now.
Batting of eyelashes and sweet words to bring my side to yours.

Until i'm left alone and forced to surrender.
Until you beat me down and i'm battered.
Until you dry me off my blood and soul.
But ultimately,
You're at the losing end.

Heart says

Shit.
Am I betraying a friend by harbouring feelings for someone she likes- and even admitted to liking?
Thing is I don't even know for sure if I like like him, and I hope to not cross that line because I respect our friendship and I respect the friend who trusted me enough.
The worst part is that this happened to me before,
And for me to duplicate that kind of sheer betrayal is just...
Horrendous.
Yes I know matters of the heart cannot be forced, but it's what I choose to do with it.
And I choose to stop giving myself a chance to like him further than I already do.
You guys are worth my compromise.

For your castle is my prison

The reason you smile is the reason I cry
And what brings you joy only brings wrath for me
When you look at your loved one with stars in your eyes,
All that hits my heart is a flaming, accelerating meteor.
I'm threatened by your happiness and that is unhealthy.
But how do I escape when your hand is holding my heart?
Your castle is my hell.
And I want out, but I know you can tell
That i'm not even trying to escape.
But for the record,
Your castle remains my hell.

Dramas are not worth it

Yes you are part of the inner circle
Yes you get access to private information that I too deserve to know about
But youve not been there
You are not worth my time.
So sike off

Go away

To avoid you for a bit.
Because it is not worth compromising the friendship just because your kind heart impressed mine.
Just because your smile makes me smile.
Just because you're the human I spend most time with.
To avoid you for a bit.
Because none of us deserve confusion, and you don't deserve this change in attention.
To avoid you for a bit.
Just enough until I get a stronger hold on these feelings,
Enough that I find a distraction from your gaze.
Let me avoid you for a bit.
Because it will hurt less this way.
(no matter how much I want to see you)

28th feb

It's the same date
Every year for the past 8 years
9 years since I first saw you
We haven't spoken for almost 8 years but it's the same date
I still remember you.
Do well, babyshark.

Note to self

Kalau tak mahu dipermainkan,
Jangan mempermain.
Jika tidak mahu diperbodohkan,
Jangan memperbodohi.
Do unto others what you want upon yourself-
Or more apt, do not do unto others what you would not want upon yourself.
Sometimes

I'd rather it hurt now

It is tempting, to seek your attention
It is tempting to trace your every move.
To feel upset when you fail to deliver
To read your words and actions
To over analyse your behaviour and body language as I usually do.
It is hard to actively sieve all these out and maintain a normal relation
Im not special to you and neither will you be to me
I would comfort the ache and deal with my own silence
Before it gets too far and I fall from a higher ground

Let us go, honestly. I deserve better.

I had two pretty sucky days in a row as you've witnessed, and the one person I asked for help first was not only unavailable, said person didnt even bother.
She has time for anyone else, who gives her the attention she wants
And gives her the high she craves.
But she'll only fall back on me for comfort when the rest of the world fails to understand her
And if this is what our friendship will look like (as it has been the past 4 years)-
I. Want. Out

i deserve someone who is willing to put in as much effort as im willing to put for her.

emptiness in all forms, but it won't last, I know it

I feel sick to my stomach on an empty stomach
I feel like crawling into a blanket of the seventh dimension where time and space ceases to be
I have all these thoughts and none of them are about me
But all of them are for me
I have all these tears wanting to escape but they're dried even before I consider letting them out
I have all these voices demanding my attention but i'm unwilling to give in to any

And as usual

I'm the last man standing
Only one remaining
Only one to keep our word
Only one to respect our promises

Move it

It should never feel like a zero-sum game
We could still be friends

Remember, the problem

Ingat, saat begini siapa yang datang menyinggah, walau sementara
Siapa yang ingat kita, walau sederhana
Dan siapa yang meletakkan diri mereka sendiri.
Tidak mengapa jika kebenaran terselindung, masalahnya adalah apabila kebenaran ditolaktepikan dan diabaikan.
Masalahnya apabila kami memilih keselesaan daripada kebenaran
Masalahnya.

All my feelings

Right now the usual reflective blue hues of the pool seems darkened, dimmed by the lack of hope
Right now the usual laughters of innocence are quieted down, replaced by honest confessions
Right now the expecting heart knows to hold itself, it sees reality unfolding in every pixel and it lags behind-
Even though every change in image pierces, the heart holds on tight, wanting to get to the end of the ride
Even though it hurts the eyes to see and the ears to overhear, it hurts the lips to smile and the brain to repeat "I am okay" for as many times as it takes to convince myself and others around me.
They persevere.
They gave me truth and in return I let them continue suffering-
Because this selfishness to own love triumphs over my love for self.

I'm not important
Stop lying to others and me

{}
I'm not the first to know things
And I don't even know anything

{}
I'm not breathing just so I can tell you about him

{}
Tell me about yourself first
He is not important

{}
I cannot believe it
I'm cancelling a plan i'm usually excited for

All because you somehow push me away in your own way

And {}
It is not ok
Two can play the same game but {} i'm not in