you dont think much, do you?

In your cowardice
You hurt me
I hope it's worth it

sing a song for me for you

rainy days in
never really understood "sing for me"
but this time i agree
cant decide if your voice or these blankets draping me are softer
cant decide whether to fall asleep or stay awake
cant decide whether it's wrong to feel
you make me messy and i hate mess
but this time i agree

Leader

Think one of the biggest evils
Are people who gives others hope
Despite having certainty themselves

But a big good
Are people who gives others hope
Despite not having certainty themselves

Dammit I cant be emotional my brain is too logical
Thanks though

When will we get somewhere?

When noone is holding the key, who can free us from the cage?
When everytime a key is tossed to our direction our hands are held too tight for us to let go a second to catch it
This is not love
This is stupidity
But somehow we bask in the glory of this wrongdoing
Because to us it feels not an inch close to wrong
When we stand too close leaving no space for mistakes
And mistakes come attacking from another direction we forgot to protect
When our eyes learn to lie without our consent
And these lips drop words neither of us mean
When we're so out of touch with our hearts but choosing to believe in it anyway
Love is risky, feelings are risky
We're tethering on a sword and we could fall at any time- in or away, noone knows
So tell me, do you not see the ladder leaning against this surface area or are you deliberately overlooking it,
Just like I am?

Who considers things

Apparently i'm heartless and have no feelings
That's a branding I can get behind
Keep thinking that because your thoughts are my prayers-
i'll really be invincible

What right did you invoke
To make my heart hurt from your actions like this?
One thing is for sure,
You remind me to love myself most
Because noone else is worth it

Choice

Choosing means sticking by your decision
If I were anyone else you wouldn't have been doing this
Choice means responsibility
You can't say one thing and act another way
You can't make me worry everytime but also cripple my ability to approach you
You can't cry for help and then run away to other people, expecting me to chase you just to stand at the far end watching as they try to heal you
I'm the one hurting alongside you
And as blind as you are to this,
I will blind myself too

Don't be scared of me

What do I feel about the possibility of heart being reciprocated except people find me intimidating, unapproachable and unreachable?
I accepted the fact that i'm a person nobody looks at,
I couldn't care less about how they find me,
But what kinds of connections am i depriving myself of?
Despite this, I won't change
Because if thy deem thyself unworthy of me,
You can either make yourself worthy
Or leave in defeat,
Like all the other cowards before thy

May the force be with me

I have no word over this mindset
Feelings, if there is any
I either spent enough time harping over it that i'm over it
Or did the moment I decide to let go, work?
I think I fear reconciling and finding out we have nothing in common more than not reconciling at all
But it's not really a fear cause who knows what would happen
Just know that as of now, as much as I will always care for you,
My heart is not beating your name
We'll both be free and we'll be okay
At least I will be

My heart

Why does my heart hurt
Is it unmet expectations?
Do I even expect anything from you?
Is it disappointment,
That I would've done anything for you but you're just not ready for me?
Is it confusion,
As to how one person can keep pining over someone who constantly pushes the other away
Is it questioning how I can be so patient giving you chances you didn't ask for and being sad you don't seize it anyway
Is it wishful thinking,
That you'd take care of my heart just a bit more?

Give me the truth

I would want to know if I cross your mind,
If I made you smile or sad,
Angry, betrayed or confused
People have made me feel things but on the contrary, I cannot imagine how my actions can affect others
Give you sleepless nights,
Dreamy afternoons
I would want to know if your heart beats my name
Because I never knew if that is a thing

Heart

A heart doesn't have to be stoic to be strong,
No need for it to be tough like a stone,
Enough for it to beat and continue beating,
Ache and break and still beating,
Enough for it to be vulnerable to danger without a single thought of defense
A heart does not need strength to be strong
It just needs to be

Could it be

We feel each other so well
Could it be that sometimes our emotions don't match
Are we depriving ourselves or am I overthinking-
Overfeeling rather
But for people so similar,
We feel so different

Heartbreak girl

Bringing it upon herself
Stooping down to the wrong ones
Unavailable,
Yet the heart refuses to back down
Logic loses in the futile battle
She'll learn every time she gets hurt
She'll learn by herself and she does all the time
Sighing as the shadows of a dream fades away
Every
Single
Time
The only thing that's never failed

Half of me tak sampai hati,
And like you know I dont stoop down to others' levels
But like if theyre like this why wont I do the same
Lol ok just do what makes you HAPPY ok
Insyaallah tak berkira I ok
Rezeki ada kat mana2

Here we are

It shouldn't feel this bad,
Because it's nothing but truth
And i'm nothing but an overreach
But again,
Hearing it again,
Being reminded again,
Feels the same again
It hurts
Again

Sad smiles

While I don't have a favourite photo of myself, I have a least favourite
It was on my birthday celebration one year and the cake was pink
And I hate it not only because the cake was pink
What struck me was how sad my eyes looked
And then I realised the timeframe of when the photo was taken
I liked to say I was a happy person and that was a great year
Even in my memories is was a great year
But I guess the eyes don't lie
I wish to never be that sad again

Who are you, sweetheart?

I've never felt hurt so sweet
Pain so addictive
Something so out of reach I can't be bothered to try but I wish for it anyway
Who are you in my dreams,
So sweet and honest,
I fell in love fastest
You radiate so much love I cannot explain
We just met but your eyes tells me so much
You refuse to own me but you care for me in ways no boys have (my dad is a man)
You saved me time and again but you won't hold my hand (or did you? I can't tell anymore)
You made me feel so right
We felt so right
I can't even write about you because you were perfect for me
I don't know how to release these emotions except hope you visit my dreams again
You probably don't even exist
But I hope I just haven't met you yet
I'm in love with someone who I made up in my head-
And not even consciously

Yours sincerely

Many a times I have put time, soul and heart into people who does not appreciate it, much less reciprocate it
Is it their fault?
Not really
Is it mine?
Definitely not
Softness of the heart is never a mistake, if anyone is at loss it's never us
But time and again I lost the intensity of love for people who don't even want to receive it
Definitely, totally,
Your loss

Don't need this

If you're deciding, if something's holding you back
I used to think I can wait
I can break your defenses
Sometimes I see results
But most of the time i'm left waiting
If it was someone else going through this i'd have said they were crazy
They were time wasters
Why then am I so patient with you when you didn't do anything to deserve it?

You on the other hand
Have no right to push and pull
No right to toy anyone
You are tied, be tied for good
Makes both our lives easier if you stayed friends

Me

Me: looks for hurt
Me: is hurt
Me: insert pikachu meme

How I know

You're not right for me because you don't make me feel welcomed
You don't make me feel safe opening up,
Asking for favours like I would a friend
I rethink our conversations and lament over things I wished I could take back
You don't respect that I know more at times
I buy into your small kindness,
Seek to calm your troubled soul
But if from the start it's me servicing you
Then i'd rather not taste your sweetness at all
Because I can guess how it ends

Not all bad

Guess the good thing about heartaches are
It makes you lose appetite
It makes you sleep more (or not at all)
It forces you to find things to distract yourself with
It's supposed to teach you to show the best of you-
How patient you are,
How pure your heart is,
How sincere your intentions are,
How understanding you are,
But instead it fights these sides of you with
Why must I give in,
Why can't I leave
Why do I care in the first place
Do I really have that much to lose

The best thing about heartache is
You can get used to it
Though each comes like a tidal wave,
You'll end up in the same position whispering to yourself with a small sigh,
"Here we go again".

Who knew

Didn't think I could feel this much this fast
No idea if experience is making me more impulsive and less patient
Or if it's just... you.

Please run away
Please stay by my side

I miss you

Three words
We often say it to people we don't mean it the most for
We often mean it for people we see too often
We often mean it for people who we used to know,
People still in our lives
We're often tied
Doesn't make the feeling any less real

Two of you

Two people,
I'm fighting for
Maybe not enough,
Maybe too much
I cannot tell
Because they're not as honest to me as I am to them
Because they leave texts unanswered even after I double, triple texted them
They leave me hanging when I pour my honest thoughts
I know sometimes it takes nudging,
And it's more them than me,
But I also know sometimes it's not worth trying
I sure hope not but I mean,
Could it be?

Who allowed you

This grip on me
I can see you leaving our ties tethered on nothing, just leaving to the wind to decide when it falls out of reach
Why do I keep trying when I know for sure that you have the capability to be nice but is blatantly not using it?

I fear when the day comes you find courage to move further,
I would've been bored.

What is it about love

What is it about love,
This paradoxical medium
Making people willingly do things against their will,
Makes people kinder, more willing,
But also more private, more angry
It's just more of everything
Science blames hormones
But what is it about love
That makes me both want to roll my eyes yet take advantage
As to how they're willing to do anything as long as they're together
Queue for hours, wait forever without complaints
What is it about love,
That other forms of love almost always fail to reach this stage?

I hope you know

Happy birthday sunshine
You brightened my days
Made me feel something
Gave me things to look forward to
It was shortlived, but sweet nonetheless
Happy birthday sunshine.
I wished we were more than just acquaintances
But sometimes distance is justified.

Stay grand,
And continue brightening up our lives.
Or mine.
Lol.

Everytime it's said,
It's halted

How could I

Be so cheap as to sell us short
Even if that's what you're doing?
How could I be the whispered
And be weakened by unmet expectations
When companionship like ours is impossible to find?
How could I be the one who lets you let us go,
When it is in my power to keep trying?
O Allah, give me strength

More (Personal turned draft)

Doesn't it actually hurt more
When the one you admire admires noone?
Not even someone else
Noone.
Makes you feel even lost
What do you want?
What are you looking for?
It's no longer "She's better than me"
It's "I'm not good enough, and I don't even have competition"
You'll grow up to be a heartbreaker-
Birth to death their laud proves loud
And why did you have to suffocate (deprive) my air
When their mouths-
Or even so
your ears are so within reach?

(People have probably said that about you since you were born
And why did you have to make their words come true?)

:(

You hurt me for the first time today-
It wasn't even anything big
But for a potential love i'd say it's big enough?
You weren't gentle
Or am I not
Understanding?

Tinted honesty, honestly

"You're never there for me"
Flashbacks of us taking a random bus, hoping it'd end up at the place your training was supposed to be at.
Of me waiting in the lobby for close to two hours? I don't know, it didn't feel that long despite being alone because I know we'll be reunited soon.

"I'm more invested in your life than you are in mine"
Laughters from your family, commenting on how our friendship has been going on for so long it's commendable.

"You missed both my performances"
Me sitting with 2 people I barely know just to support you from the audience, you running to your friends because you guys were going to celebrate your hard work.

"I always get a NIL reply when I ask whether you're free"
I've never felt at ease asking whether you were free because you rarely were.

"I'm not trying to be calculative"
(read above)

I'm trying. I won't shatter us. If we were ever to break, I won't let the responsibility lie on both of us. I want to prove that we have a fighting chance but only if you find yourself again.