So let me cry it out in the nights
So when i face you i dont feel like it

How is this fair

For something that hurts this bad,
Why arent we allowed to scream:
Im heartbroken
It's very, very crippling
Some days you feel like you can do nothing
Trapped in a non existent time-space continum
Where you are what time it is and what you do ends up a blur and you forget what you are even doing
For something that makes eating feel forced and moving require so much effort,
Why am I not allowed to just be?
For something that makes getting up hard and falling asleep even tougher, why can I not get a letter to excuse myself from things
Why cant I tell people,
I can't. I'm hurting in ways unimagineable.
But I want you to force me because doing nothing hurts too
Doing hurts, not doing hurts too
Neither more than the other
It's like that joke where a patient says everywhere she pokes on her body hurts
The punchline is that her finger is the broken one
Where's the punchline to a heartbreak?

Let you be

If he's okay with losing me,
Let him be
There is no use holding tightly
It only hurts me
If he wants to come and go as he please,
Let him be
There is no use expecting
It only hurts me
If he wants to have his space,
Let him be,
There's no use proving my worth
It only hurts me
And it hurts.
A lot.
But if he's happy with or without me,
I should let him be.
And that should not hurt me.

I chose to be

In love.
I want this

My place

Who am i to demand reminders
Of my worth
Of why someone could potentially care for me
Or love me, even (scoffs)
Who am i to ask
'What is it about me'
Or
'Do i make you happy'
Who am i to expect
The fullest heart from anyone at all
To be cared for boundlessly
And without limit
To have concern peppered
To be reminded that my existence affects even one person out there
That one heart is touched
That one soul is glad i exist
But who am i
Someone who hasnt done anything to
Justify receiving all these validations

regardless,
i'll continue loving without second thoughts
if anyone should ever doubt their place in anyone's life it shall only be me and me alone
people should know their worth, without being asked for anything in return

Lost

Can't even express myself freely anymore
The eyes that follow and hearts at stake
Where do I put mine?
And where do I find it once this tides over?

Words

Nothing is stopping me from admitting I miss you
But why is it so hard to say so?
Is it because I refuse to accept if you don't feel the same way, or i'm afraid we can do nothing about it?
But I miss you
Why can't I say it to you

Hold it in

It's okay
Two overused words but when genuinely meant and felt is very empowering
It's okay
Everything will be okay
Even in the present when things are not very okay,
It's okay.
And slowly I feel your problems dissipate into thin air
Issues turning grey and flaking away into nowhere
And slowly I feel the rays of sunshine touching me gently
Reminding me that despite grey clouds,
It will return to shine on me someday

When neither overrules another

My logic is genuinely perplexed over my actions
My heart is just enjoying the waves of destruction, the inconsistent crests when you please and troughs when you don't
But inconsistency is the best part
But inconsistency sucks
Weirdest of all, we're not inconsistent at all

If

If my best is not enough,
It's not not enough
I'm putting in love and effort in the wrong avenue

Cool

It's probably just luck that you're behind this blue tinted glass
That I can only see you as gentle and unnerving
I hope if I ever break through
You'll remain

I felt cheated, too

Things changed in a heartbeat
Trust me I had no idea,
I'm in the same carriage as the rest of you
Holding the conductors' hands but only realising too late that their hands weren't even on the steering wheel

The words

In the wind of a heavy choice,
Love has a quiet voice
Still your mind

Tiring

How is it possible that years of accumulated wiseness goes down the drain
Just because of stupid little reasons like
People

My wish is my command

I'm not an overthinker
But some nights I let go and be wild
And then I am thankful once more that i'm not an overthinker

Too easy

Recklessness is never part of my being
Listening to others' opinions is just a chore
If this experience means i'm changing,
I'd rather take my steps out the door

Unintended rhymes lol
My point is that it's simultaneously easy and harder right now
A decade has passed and the old experiences and feelings renewed
What did anyone do to wake this dormant being up
What will happen
Stay tuned
Kinda tired of roller coasters
Nor am I interested in carousels
Maybe it's time to hop off awhile
And walk around the park