Who cares anymore

Perhaps what I need is not answers,
It's not confirmation nor closure
It's not continuation,
No psychoanalysing
What I need is just to live in the moment

21 feb 2017; Justify us?

How are you supposed to feel,
I need answers
Because everytime I see you now,
My heart goes numb.
When souls are casted to find each other, sometimes we get lost.
We fall in love, and it's nothing more than an accident.

The universe feared the day our souls collide, because it knew nothing would go right
But we fight through the days and nights,
And we stand up for our hearts.
But we knew we will falter, knew from the start,
Just thank you for not giving up too soon,
We had hope,
We had hope,
But we found that sometimes love never finds a way.

Not every piece fits perfectly, no matter how we tried.
I'll carry a piece of you on every piece of this earth I tread.
Maybe someday all connects,
and make sense,
To justify why two pure love,
Were never meant to be from the start.

12 march 17; make up class asb

5 active ingredients of skincare and makeup

Cleanse tone moisturize sunscreen

Primer, foundation, loose powder then compact powder (pressed/compact)

Cool & warm colours
Yellow undertone for warm tone
Ask for 3 best foundation match from range (tan/medium/fair)
Swatch on jawline

(When we talk about behaviors? Kita)

Correct parts not areas and make it subtle,light swift brushes
For medium-fair, if dull skin/yellow, purple on cheeks to look youthful and fresher
Purple also for veins
Tan cannot use purple
For fair, use green to counteract pink/redness and freckles
 

Tapping and light blending/sliding motions

Makeup forever HD foundation (silica powder)

24 march 2017; body language

I spent my afternoon admiring god's creation- mostly the sky and us humans.
It's cool how He made us walk this way, how our limbs swing the opposite direction to propel us forward.
If he had created us to be straight walking creatures, why didn't he equip us with the anti-slouch behaviour?
Why not make our spines more strong that we would never slouch, ever!
But see this serves another purpose.
Conveyance of tiredness, unconfidence- he allows us the beauty of body language.

29 march 17; what's beautiful

What would you call beautiful,
The crash of waves that hits the shore,
The breeze that pushes back your hair,
The trail of moon so bright and clear,
The still waters lit up like crystal.
The way the light falls on your face,
Or how it's rare for nights like these,
Is it the warmth from our proximity,
But most of all baby

I hope it's me as much as it's you,
There's a few moments i'd call beautiful in my life
This is definitely one

I mean, stop this but don't

You're the personification of headache
You dress as Santa and give me a gift but later found out it was yours you rejected
You feed me sweets and candies galore just for me to know you found them on the floor
You listen intently and nods and react but for all I know you're dazed in your head
You lend me your jacket to protect me from breeze only because you're  donned in thick mitts
You smile like the sun rays striking my heart-
Until I found out it was fake from the start

Mislead me again

Why are you signalling right when you're driving straight?
Why are you turning left when the roundabout has passed?
Why are your signals so misleading?
And why are you so inconsistent

Road to barely

I mean,
I don't understand your intentions
I don't get that smile
I can't guess your next move
And they say i'm a mind reader.
You're just so...
Unavailable.

Roda

I mean inilah kehidupan kan, kau rodakan orang dibawah dan orang lain merodakan kau dibawah juga

I think you were it

I know it makes no sense,
It is impossible,
But I sincerely hope noone feels about me the way I feel about you.
It seems like the most illogical thing in the world, but you might be thinking the same.
But for you my dear, it is beyond truth.
For me, I hope it continues illogical.
At least until I learn to handle this.

Don't stop being you.

She cried twice.
5 days before, due to shock.
4 days later, due to acceptance.
I cry twice.
First out of hurt.
8 years later, out of acceptance.
Or at least an attempt to.
You'll always be fine and i'll always pray for your wellbeing.
I'm happy seeing you happy.

Facts and reality

When I first began University, I had a lot of ambitions.
I was going to join conferences, take up extra classes, attend outside lectures, possibly even take up leadership positions in clubs.
It began well, I found a group of seemingly solid friends, I did my readings.
But then two things happened;
1) i was getting effortless grades (which was an excellent thing until I realised it primed me into refusing the need to put in effort-probably explains my allergy to assignments)
2) And I found things that takes up my time more.
Things I dont necessarily disapprove of (well except that part time job but hey it sufficed me till now)

Half of me probably feels bad to past me for not fulfilling her wants, for not giving myself a chance to once again go back to that overachiever who just does things with so much joy and enthusiasm. This half certainly wished we could go over, but this half also understands that we have 5 more semesters for things to change and that it's all up to me. Most importantly, this half believes in me.

The other half respects that im putting a lot into my art. This half understands that whatever im spending most of my time now might be the things i'll miss doing as I grow older, as life calls. This half agrees that it's worth it. It's worth putting in time and effort in things I love lest I can't have the luxury of this much time to practice them. Best of all, this half, too, believes in me.

In conclusion, my better self recognizes that there is always a way for me to strive for both and it's all really in my hands. And my better self? You guessed it; she believes in me.

I believe in me. Insyaallah.

You and dreams

You're like the recurring places in my dreams
The ones that always seem new but familiar
Also the ones where my conscious cannot tell if i've been in real life or merely visited in astral
Sometimes I think I know you but soon you're like a stranger
You always seem new but familiar.

Translate me

Imagine investing time trying to read someone,
Reading them like a book in a foreign language-
Taking 3 steps back everytime you translate a word.
Because you have a phrase, a sentence, and then a paragraph to understand.
Imagine after all that effort,
You find out that there is a translated version right at the last few pages.
That effort that well, paid off but unnecessary.
Imagine learning a person this way,
And then finding out the most quintessential part, the corazon-
Is taken.
By another who has long understood them.

Simultaneous

When my brain doesnt work and cant stop at the same time
When a bright mind got dimmed but denied
When my body refuses to function because the brain and heart are both distracted with unnecessary things
When I feel myself going down a spiral but it's not dangerous enough for panic buttons to ring
When I don't know why i'm not sleepy
When I can't understand how i'm not a bit hungry
When I don't want to change it anyways

Radios and night sky

Radios are like the moon, and the sky.
When I look up to the stars, I know for a fact that you're looking up to the same ones.
There's the connection.
When a song on the radio plays and it's singing to you, just know that i'm singing along too.
There's the connection.

In my head

Moving on is a hard process only when the other party is not even in the lane to begin with

Maybe it's just me not giving myself the chance
And maybe my realisation is so accurate it's scary

No longer matter to me

Of false hopes and own feelings,
Of not disappointment and lack of judgement,
Of entertaining our own hearts in seeking the signs we choose to see
Deliberate but even our own minds can't tell them apart
Deleting truths in hopes of gaining false reality,
Of hearts beating ever so slightly for each other,
But not enough to be acknowledged,
Of hearts losing sync and interests suddenly not worth dwelling over.
Of the end of us.
The end of you.

Unstealable

I guess dont issue a challenge to life
It is what life knows to do best
Step up

Heart vacancy

i see you inching closer
i feel your heartbeat line up with mine
do you see my brain peaking with hypersensitivity over your every move?

Contrast

I long to see you, oh so often.
Imagining looking into your orbs, seeing your vivid laughter and how you'd touch your hair
How you'd somehow end up right beside me
I imagine these and,
And see how long I can tame this fire inside of me

But when we come face to face, nothing in me is burning- it all turns ice cold and I become numb

Why do I care

I've never cared about what people think of me,
But why is it when you ask me How I am,
I take a minute too long to think?
I don't wish for you to perceive me wrongly.

Pain

I guess pain is addictive
This special feeling when the heart clenches and you feel nothing else but ache,
The kind of hurt that makes your stomach queasy and mind uneasy
The unsettling feeling keeps visiting and embracing
It's uncomfortable, but it's a comforting feeling
A feeling that is better than not feeling

Want you not

I want to see you but when I do all I want is to avoid you
I want to talk to you but when I see you all I do is ignore you
I want you to talk to me but when you do all I do is give one word answers
Do I want you then,
Afterall?

The other little things

When he throws around big words like ubiquitous I feel like both punching and admiring
-But he still hates wordplays
The parallels and connections he tries to abandon but it's too deep of an association
When he keeps quiet about the things we expect him to be least quiet about
-And I can't help but wonder if it's just our misconception or his mind is talking out loud in silent
When he tries not to laugh at my jokes
-But sometimes can't help it and soon apologizes
For what? Showing your joy?
When he touches other girls but me
-But i'm relieved, really.
But...
No buts.
It's my own world i'm living in.
Because these little things are supposed to be insignificant, but I love people too much to let these go.
He happens to be one of my muses.

Tell me what to do about us

Perhaps it's my fault for not being open
When that is your way of affirming this ship
But what do I do when I just don't need to?
What do we do when we clash while we never did before?
What do I do to save us when you're happily moving on?
What do I do when all these changes are just my prayers coming true?

What do we do?

The one time i'm on time

I'm sitting here in the middle of an empty park in the middle of an empty neighbourhood on a marble seat, thrown off by the strong wind and heavy rain- pelting my every fibre despite being under the shelter awaiting no response.
It feels so lonely, like i'd be stuck here forever.
With only plans of the future but uncertainty.
I guess this reflects life.
Sure we may be wet but at least we're taking sure steps towards our destination.
If we wait around not knowing when the rain will stop we would be waiting forever.
I guess advancement is worth the pain sometimes.

I shall stop

I always fall for the deceit
That your gaze yearns mine
I always think the wrong things
When your face's lit with a smile

I control myself from thinking
Yet this heart beats the same thoughts

Don't worry about her

When one hopes to be noticed in the least way possible,
By the eyes of those whose eyes captures others,
When she smiles a bit wider just because he's looking in her direction-
But her direction holds the true muse that's a distraction.
When she lies awake at night imagining more,
But soon shakes herself awake knowing no more is to come,
When he smiles a bit sweeter towards her,
But the bitter taste at the back of her tongue serving as a reminder that it's the same plastered-on copy paste of a smile.
When she finally figures he might feel a thing,
He writes a few letters and throws them in the bin,
When her heart skips a bit for a very short note,
But she looks to another's envelope a more heartfelt abode.

She knows from the start it's bound to disappoint,
But she enjoys the thrill and she embraces the hurt.

Sometimes poetry is verbally pleasing

A plea to the past to flee from the past,
In a conquest to conquer the best of the rest,
In making visionary's realities fade far into the shadows,
And all hail,
The demon king bálor

Change begins with me

The dark side is very tempting.
I have taught myself how to be negative, to wallow in self pity when things do not go my way.
I tell myself it's an immersion, a hands on experience of the minds some people live with everyday of their lives.
I know myself and I got this, I will keep one strong foothold on my world, the world of light and spirit.
I will not be swayed, but still I immerse.
I learnt to scrutinize myself and others, to stop looking at the good and to stop believing in the kindness of mankind.
I learnt to think darker, greyer and eventually alter the shade darker.
I began channeling my energy negatively, the worse ways possible.
I began thinking of furthering the immersion.
But i am fully aware, I am aware that this is not who I am.
I am aware how dangerous this immersion can be, how clingy it can be and how long it can stay.
Im aware of the blackest hand gripping on my ankles, afraid i'll leave the realm to go back to what once was.
To my self, to myself.
To the person who inspires herself and others,
To the heart that tries to be kind and keeps trying despite relapses.
To the true happiness and genuine smiles.
And with these realisations,
I am aware that although I am taking slow slides away from the realm,
I keep two fingers held onto the darkness.

I dont really want to escape but I know it's for the best.
However, sometimes realisation alone is not enough.

Help? 

No matter what stage

I already wasted my teenagehood, the years ive dreaded entering,
leaving,
and ever being in.
I cannot waste my life

Heart broken

What's worse than not knowing what's wrong is knowing what's wrong and still not doing anything about it.

Falling too fast

If you jump too fast you will fall too fast
How could it be two lanes at a time,
Two steep drops that I willed myself to risk
Now it's gone as quickly as it was ignited
The sparks causing me to crumble into ashes,
Holding itself together by threads of false hopes.
It's my fault
And i'm okay with it

I hurt inside and it's okay

Silent battles hurt more,
It's not that you're not allowed to scream
But you stop yourself
To not attract attention
Or worse-
Empathy.

Undertaker a part of me

1 year old starry eyed
Every strike of the bell brings the infant closer to the source of noise,
20 years on and she still feels the bell resonating within her.
Taker you are a great part of my life,
Had been and will always be
My future kids will know about the times I had nightmares about you,
The time I dressed up as you to school for be yourself day in 2008,
The times your american badass theme played on the cd on a radio behind the blue lorry,
The time your theme accompanied our roadtrip to kota tinggi,
Each match ive seen you conquer,
Each swagger ive seen you feel,
Each drop of blood and sweat and each littlest change within.
It's not a goodbye
Because the Phenom lives forever.
The ring is his always-playground and the fresh meat will always be available for his devour.

She just wants to be

I just want to fade away for a while
Really reassess my priorities
Because I put so many things first, so many people before myself
And I don't care that none of them places their care on me unless I contribute exactly what they need
Though it's their flaw
Can't say i'm not inadequate

Noone needs me,
But I choose to get involved anyway
So I just want a time out-
And see how things can flourish without my deathly touch.

We're done, and it IS over

Well it was fun while it lasted,
Thanks for giving me the confirmation I needed
Though we don't necessarily have to part ways,
There are truly no words left to say.

Goodbye, us.

Weirdest encounters

Isn't fate cruel,
For making us meet only ever on nights I need lights
For making you appear as a beacon of hope, a ray of heartbeat smashing itself repeatedly blinding my eyes and guts.
Suddenly I feel like a place so small feels so big,
Just to convince myself there's a pair of holy hands who places you at the place at the time.
11pm when the moon is high,
When the traffic is quiet as quiet can be
In buses where transfers occur so swift we have no time to look up.
And all these times I ended up sitting still catching my breath as you walked briskly away-
Pretty apt representation of us,
Don't you think?

Oops

Oops I accidentally revealed my true feelings
It's weird right?
I knew you were unprepared so i kept you out
But to you i was doing anything but protect

Your old self

When you imagine yourself in the past,
Do you imagine yourself as a separate entity?
A smaller human who acts so differently you can't even fathom the thought of actually ever being that person.
A person who holds secrets not even you know about.
A person keeping you out from yourself no matter how hard you'd try to break it,
Because you'd give up anyways knowing how guarded you are?

Or do you greet her as an old friend, who had religiously and faithfully documented every time the clock ticks, keeping records of every breath you've ever taken and every heartbeat skipped.
Hoping to provide you with moments to relive and revisit, vivid as can be?

Perhaps you see her as yourself, who holds different things.
Who although is made of totally different atoms, is exactly what you are currently.
One and the same.
Always, neverchanging?

And when you do meet her,
What would you say to her?
What would she say?

What the heart is supposed to do

This lump of muscles in me,
It's supposed to work.
It's supposed to pump blood into my streams,
It's supposed to be the thing keeping me alive.
Keeping me human.
What it's not supposed to do though is ache in soliditary, thinking it's strong enough and capable enough to be at the receving end of such humongous blows.
It's not supposed to ache this way.
It's not supposed to feel at all.
It's not supposed to break.
Not feel, or break.
Not feel or break.

Has you always been this way

That's really rude of you,
To be too nice to others.
Problem is if otherwise,
That'll be really rude of you.

Very alone

I learnt to make the toilet my safe spot, the place i'd run to after class to avoid people from realising how lonely I was.
I learnt to make mirrors company- reflections companion and empty spaces full of love.
I learnt to speak to my phone and reply for myself.
I learnt to starve and thirst.
I learnt to pick up social anxieties i've never once had.
And noone knows.

This is dumb, honestly coming from a person who actually likes being alone.
I can't help but feel... abandoned despite never belonging in the first place.
It's not like I did not try and change a thing; god knows I tried.
I have to find a place I belong- I cant continue being alone.

Losing the "best"

Your contact used to be so frequently within sight- never faltering beyond the seventh name.
Now I have to scroll a lot to find your name, and then shock myself seeing how many days have passed without us communicating.
This is foreign but it feels normal.
Is this it?

Do we even need to end things or do we wait and see if it will die or resurrect?
The scary part is that I dont mind either way, and I dont think you do too.