Today was a trying day

Sometimes I realise that wallowing in self pity is no use and moving on helps you get out of the rut,
But times like this I just want to sit in solitude and let my thoughts consume me whole.

Depression is bullshit.

Depression is bullshit. Everyone hurts, it's the inability and failure to cope that lets people make depression an excuse. I know people who suffer a lot but they're alright why? Strong will, faith in god, and just so much love within themselves. It's not giving up. Depression is bullshit. It's a cowardly way to justify your weakness. If everyone can accept the fact that they are ALLOWED to be weak, sometimes for long periods of time, the term will not even be a big deal. No medication will be needed just because everyone understands. Everyone is allowed to feel lonely even in a room full of people, you're allowed to cry nights on end, you're allowed breakdowns and crazy thoughts. But the thing is, you're more than allowed to get out of the rut and continue hustling, pushing through life.

Depression is bullshit.

Boredom rarely strikes

Spent nights wishing I had a friend I could ask out at any moment of the day-
Then an epiphany dawns that she exists;
She's right here.
I am my own companion through walks and jogs, crawls and rests.

Liking a boy suddenly

See that's the thing about suddenly being interested in a boy-
You wished you noticed the way he'd been treating you since the beginning,
If there are changes in his steps, or his smile, or how many seconds exactly his eyes meet yours.
If he suddenly laughs at all your lame jokes or suddenly bothers to keep the doors open even when it's totally out of his way (or is he just being nice, as he usually is?)
If he had always been this quiet around you.
If he had always been standing that close to you, or insisted you walk ahead so he could be behind you.

Or are you overthinking and it turns out to be true that-
Nothing has changed but you?

The way you read his actions that has long been there,
So it's not he who suddenly has feelings for you, it's just that you're slowly beginning to care.

Out of the darkness

Everytime I raise my voice or push you away I regret.
But why do I keep doing it over and over again?
And why is your heart so pure?
I want to conserve and preserve your gentle, loving, white as snow soul.
I hate to be the black energy that sucks you dry.
I want to be sunshine.
Teach me.

Stupid phanfic, let me get you out of my head with my own words

I sat across you,
Hands holding, choking even, my words.
Constricting my throat pushing down every thoughts and swallowing every sounds desperate to escape these lips.

You cry.
And I hurt inside but the smile on my face will never betray my emotions; it never had.
You speak about your dark life.
And my abyss carried forth from my past fights to arise, to make an appearance and pride on how much darker it is compared to you.
You whimper slightly, glad that i'm here for you.
And I numb my heart totally, rejecting every warmth it desired from your smiles, because I do not know how to feel anymore.

Im glad my little store bought ray of sunshine turned your night around,
But not even your pretty laughs can echo in my abandoned heart.
You're finally happy, and it's finally time for me to leave.
I've saved you from your pain but noone can save me from mine.

(Forgettable) Friendship

But you don't get to ask why we don't open up,
Or why we never share more than a hug
Honestly I don't care,
That you're never available
Because I respect you enough to know your boundaries.
But when there are people out there (like me) who are willing to drop everything for a bud,
Then I wonder why they're not my friend instead.
Because if two people are willing to work for each other-
Friendship flourishes in a way like no other.

To my biffel

I wouldnt say I have a good heart but these are what I do, and try to always do.
It caught me off guard when you said that you couldn't be there at my lowest point because you were busy, and I bet even busy entertaining your ego.
Perhaps you're a good friend in terms of tangible help, but emotional wise, matters of the heart?
Im proud to say i've got it more solidified.
Thank god I dont need you.
Thank god for my inner strength.
Thank god for other people in my life.
Thank you, God.

Feelings

Dont force me to face my feelings if the way I deal with it is by surpressing them.
Life is worth so much, feelings are so special and we should embrace each one
But you cannot force someone to feel the things they dont want to.

Im too rational to not be okay,
But im too spiritual to not feel.

So as long as you dont ask if im ok,
I shall be okay
And I will stay that way

Hide

Some feelings are perhaps meant to be hidden
Swallowed like a pill,
Resisted and forgotten.
Although the last thing you will do is forget

It be born just so it could be hid
Like a painting that cannot meet anyone's eyes
Or a melody that cannot fall on any ears.
Kept somewhere special.
Somewhere the sun does not shine and time does not exist.
A place even vacuums envy.

Everyone is fixable, not in the way you think

There's different kinds of broken-
Smashed glass,
Chipped wood,
Frayed knots,

And there's different kinds of strong-
How an egg or a womb can keep a life,
How a metal wire can keep the cable cars up,
How propellers keep planes flying.

And strengthening does not mean fixing,
Fixing does not mean bringing back into a whole,
It does not mean reassembling and gluing the broken parts back together.
It's more of adapting to the current state until it grows back to its original size, the size of stability and security.

Alike are humans.
Some are broken by relationships, some failure and some from the voices inside their heads.

But they all are strengthened by different things, their art, their loved ones, or some by the voices inside their hearts.

Let's all seek to understand that no person's struggle is worth less than another.
Let's seek to understanding each other.

Break me

I'd sing my heart out
Even if you were to cover your ears
Even if you were to scream and beg me to shut up

But once you smile and offer a praise but turn around and make a face,
That's when i'd probably stop.

The best way to break someone is to be on their side first.
And that's such an evil thought.
But it's true

In a parallel universe

In a parallel universe,
I'd message you first.
I'd ask for your favourite quotes-
the ones which got you through the toughest times.
the ones which you think of in joy, that fills your heart with glee.

I'd ask for your prayers,
I'd tell you things i'd never tell anyone else.
I'd make you the stranger i'm closest to.

But in this universe,
I'd overthink
And end up doing nothing-
Besides waiting for your impossible start of an improbable conversation.

You're changing

"I hate liars,"
You said as you told a stranger that your name was Valerie.
"She's selfish,"
You claim as you refuse to share your food with your sister.
"Such a bitch,"
You snickered as you laugh at her struggling figure.

You're changing but I don't hate it,
But the new you hates me.

Kinda dont make sense

Kinda dont make sense how I can feel so much ripple effect from each of your actions;
But you dont feel a thing.
Kinda dont make sense how I can feel so strongly about you;
But you dont feel a thing.

Surely, my feelings are not alone?
Alas, surely they are.

Everything changed but nothing did

I have come to terms with the fact that i'll always be into you.
Perhaps I would tell myself,
"Maybe it's just the idea of you"
"Maybe it was the old you, the you I knew"
But even as I witness your progress;
Albeit from the sidelines,
And on incognito-
I feel like if we had continued to be friends,
I'd still be into you.

I lost either way

http://thoughtcatalog.com/holly-riordan/2016/08/this-is-why-you-never-knew-i-liked-you/

People always say it's better to lose than not try at all.
But in this case it's true; i'd rather lose in surrender than defeat.

I wished

"You guys are meant to be!"
I don't even dare to say "I wished"
Because what if it came true?

Oh but what if it doesn't.

Their impressions of me

"You're a mystery,"
She said.
"Crazy one of a freaking kind,"
"Are you in a relationship?"
-no
"Of course, a guy has to be insanely perfect to attract your attention,"
"I feel like you are super high maintainence,"
"I'm afraid to meet your future husband,"

Laughs.
Me, a mystery?
Even I think so.
Half of me is so open but I have a dark side of my moon.

Half of me is, and the other half will be there soon.

Get out

Seriously just get out of my head,
You don't belong here,
nor do you deserve to be here.

Almost love

How many people gets to say;
That they experienced heartbreak this bad,
Without even entering a relationship?

Without even experiencing unrequited love,
But a love so almost, it felt too real.
But a love so almost, the cut was abrupt.
The love so almost, I still think about it seven years onwards.

Still dwelling on the same little moments but my dreams about him adds more into our non-existant memories.
I'd never understand and I'll probably never.
At least I hope so.

Dreams are better

I dreamt of you,
And in the dream you were next door,
You were very close.

Very different from reality,
Where our one worded conversations developed to none.

I hate dreaming about you,
But it's the only way I get to look at you with adoring eyes,
And not constant aversion and uncomfort.
It's the only way i'd find you looking into my eyes.
It's the only way.

Love only once

Don't you think it's a waste of life to love only once,
To experience the sweet sour and bitter,
To embrace the hurt and smile through heartaches.

Might still be wiser to wait for one and one only,
The right one,
The eternal love.

But don't you think it's a waste of heart to love only once?

Written by my bestfriend

You break the fish barrier

I've known two pisces in my life.
Both of them made my life miserable and was only good to me infront, and not the back.
So everytime I read their horoscopes and see so many positive things I can't help but scoff.
Have these astronomers actually known any pisces???
7 years down the road I met one more pisces.
I find it hard to believe that i'm looking up pisces traits after those two idiots.
And this time round,
He's everything the horoscope says and more.

Another compliment, please?

I've never thoroughly enjoyed being called pretty.
To me looks is the last thing that should matter.
I hold the galaxy inside of me and I shouldn't be judged just by a planet.
But nights like these as I witness these ladies flaunting all they got-
In addition to the drought of acknowledgement-
Makes me feel a bit down.

Compliments are just the cherries on top.
The cake tastes amazing with or without it.

Progression, regression

2 weeks ago,
Slowly but steadily.
Rearview mirror,
Among all the green green fields and the orange orange skies, all I saw are two hazel spheres looking blankly back at me.

8 days ago,
Slowly but steadily.
Side mirror,
Right or left, liking you felt right.
But all that I get is I get left.

2 days ago,
Falling into regression.
Any feelings I had had gone.
Fading slower than lights disappearing from the horizon.
So it really is just a silly crush.
Meh.

We think we know better

As adults we think kids cry over the stupidest things;
Balloon that flew away,
Literal spilt milk,
A fixable broken toy.

But little did they know that they cry over stupider things;
Missing someone when the solution is to simply call and say hi,
Losing a friend when it is better for them,
Being directed to something better but too bratty to accept the changes.

Kids are ultimate.
I wished I could stay a kid beyond forever because it's a lot more lively.
And that's what I want my life to be, lively.

Patience

Patience.
Patience.
Kesabaran.
Sabar itu selalu indah.
Sabar mengelakkan masalah.
Sabar membantu kami menangani masalah.
Sabar separuh daripada iman.
Patience is the best gift we can give ourselves and others around us.
I promise.

Move

Aeroplanes, Boats, Trains, even hoverboards and rollerblades; eases our journeys and helps us move faster and more conveniently.

But that cannot be why we have forgotten how to walk together as brothers and sisters, holding hands and hearts in the most figurative sense.

You reading this, I appreciate your existance and I hope you have a blessed day ahead.

Inspired by M.L.K

How can we mere creatures learn how to fly so high,
Even reaching places beyond the telescopes can see, than the mind can comprehend,
Even landing on faraway moons and planets.

How can we mere mortals learn to dive so deep within the vast oceans,
Going lower than the greatest inventions on earth, than the inhabitants of the seabeds,
Even reading things beneath the lowest points.

How can we not then, as humans with brains and hearts learn how to walk together as brothers and sisters,
To show compassion and kindness and to act like a community does.

How come we reach for the stars yet not keep a firm hold on the ground?
Do we not learn from balloons, and how they explode upon going further up into the atmosphere?
Because we have to understand one thing; what we think are advancements and progress, actually contributes to our regression.

Have a heart.

Distance

Weird how this galaxy between us makes me feel closest to you.
But when you're right in front of my eyes you feel so out of reach.

Distance really is a weird concept
And I don't wish to ever grasp it
I'd rather live in ignorance than accept that the space between us will never get any closer

When the day comes

When the day comes and princess charming sweeps you off your feet,
My feet will shuffle too, but far away from you.
When the hour comes and your heart has fallen into the right hands,
I'll fall too but into a neverending trap of maze.
When the minute comes and you pick the flower most attractive to your heart,
I'll be the leaf that though overlooked, will still yearn your touch.
When the second comes and i'll lose you,
I'll lose myself too, for I am beyond obsessed with the idea of you.

The best and worst part

The worst part, is that you don't realise your worth.

You think i'm made for you when in reality, you're the sunlight seeping through the leaves of the forest while i'm just the tree.
You're the sunlight whose light attempts to light the whole soil while i'm the tree which inevitably blocks you from them, while selfishly absorbing all of you in my system.
You're the sunlight whose heat warms the needy while i'm the tree that dies with your touch.
I thought you were the only thing I needed until I realise; I can't grow with your presence alone.

You think i'm suited for you when in reality, you are worth so much more.
I'm like a rock that scars your fine pressed carbon.
I'm the blade that imprints your delicate skin.
I'm like the hoe that unevens your fine ground.
I'm the bullet that shatters your glass shields.

The best part, is that you don't realise your worth.
Because that's the only way I can ever own you.

Perumpamaan

I learn that you're a rarity
Put in the black market in front of a hundred thieves
I learn that i'm just one of them
But worse, i'm not even in the first hundred
I learn that i'm in this neverending queue
A queue which ends with nothing from you.

I learn that it's not wrong to admire
As long as expectations do not follow

I learn that you are an exhibit in a museum,
I can read and analyze as long as I want,
And take as many pictures and videos as I want,
But I can never cross that glass panel,
And I can never touch your hands.

I learn that you're the wax figure,
For although you will never change,
You change me.
(And everyone else who sets eyes on you)

The magnet in me

All my life i've seen boys
Coming up to my friends
Asking for their names, numbers
Anything that could spark a friendship

The shy ones would send their friends,
Actual people
People we actually know
As representatives of his attraction for her

All my life i've stood on the sidelines
I witnessed all these
I learnt from their mistakes and for that i'm eternally grateful

And once or thrice a boy will come up to me
But these boys I know not
These boys wants flings
Something that will not benefit either of us and that I do not want
But these are the only energies I seem to attract

Hey magnet in me, you ok buddy?

Denying fate

How long more
Am i gonna hold onto
Coincidences after
Coincidences

How much more
Must the universe show
To assure me that nothing
Could go wrong

I made a thousand bets
But none of them i won
Even though it was accurate
Boy, I feel so so wrong

I let the universe lead the way
And show me the signs to you
But right as it gets clear as day
I purposely steer away from you

Is this cowardice or unpreparedness
Can you afford to wait for me
Because if you leave I have nothing to blame
Not fate,
Not even me.

Maaf, tiada penyesalan

Maafkan daku jikalau engkau gagal untuk lena,
Salahkan dirimu kerana terlalu sempurna-
Sehingga aku tak dapat pejamkan mata.
Salahkan dirimu kerna sesungguhnya,
Perasaan ini tak pernah kupinta.

Jikalau jodoh bertemu lagi,
Pasti tak keruan hati ini,
Akanku cuba mengalihkan pandangan,
Lebihku rela berdiri keseorangan.
Tapi jangan engkau berani,
Untuk melangkah pergi.

Tunggulah disini.
Walaupun kau tak menjadi milikku,
Biarlah ku nikmati-
Keperibadianmu yang murni.
Hatimu yang suci.
Kasihku yang hakiki.

Sememangnya lama sudah hatiku mati,
Berhenti berfungsi atas nama kasih,
Namun dengan kehadiranmu ini,
Sungguh tak sangka,
Membawa erti.

Memang kau tak berbuat apa,
Cuma aku yang terlebih rasa.
Disini aku hanya mampu berdoa,
Agar kita bertemu semula.

Tapi ia seperti anani,
Engkau layak mendapatkan yang lebih sempurna,
Ku tetap genggam erat perasaan ini,
Akan ku kunci dan lontar ke dasar.

Jangan kau risau, jangan kau bimbang.
Perasaan ini tak perlu ditimbang.
Dan ku harap pabila mata bertentang,
Semua perasaan ini akan
Hilang.

Orang ketiga

Ku tak sepatutnya,
Merasakan sesuatu,
Kerna kau tak mungkin,
Menyatu dengan hatiku

Kau sudah temukan,
Cinta sejatimu,
Tetapi mungkinkah,
Aku salah menunggu

Jelaskanlah padaku,
Mengapa kau selalu,
Ada di benak fikiranku,
Hingga tak mampu,

Melupakan segala,
Ucapanmu sayangku,
Walau kau takkan pernah,
Menjadi milikku.

Salahku jua,
Jatuh hati pada yang berpunya,
Tak mahu menjadi orang ketiga,
Tapi kau selalu bertakhta

Game for one

Why are you a master in the game i'm playing alone?
See that remote control?
It's not yours to hold.

Horoscope or reality

According to horoscopes, we're the perfect match.
Realist, Sensual, Sensitive and Emotional.
But according to real life, we're not good together.

So which is more reliable?

Too late

Time was all i needed
But you couldnt wait
I got the tickets but you boarded the plane

Now you're halted by a mystique force
I don't know how why or when
But I am grateful

Maybe now time is all i get
But i cant wait
I got you in my grip but im boarding the plane

It's like strings (coincidence)

I place a pinboard and poke the pins.
Take the string and ties it to the pin at the topmost right.
Then i slowly drag it, feeling the thread slide by my fingers.
I drag it and tie it to another point, all to make a connection.
But as I make more connections, the first pin at topmost right slowly gets pulled out.
Futher and further and it finally falls.
I know there's no such thing as coincidence but why do I keep looking for it.

I read too much into your actions and ends up at the wrong conclusion.
I read too much into snow white and I grew up thinking Snow white's prince charming were the seven dwarves.
I read too much into your actions and ends up at the wrong conclusion.