Your old self

When you imagine yourself in the past,
Do you imagine yourself as a separate entity?
A smaller human who acts so differently you can't even fathom the thought of actually ever being that person.
A person who holds secrets not even you know about.
A person keeping you out from yourself no matter how hard you'd try to break it,
Because you'd give up anyways knowing how guarded you are?

Or do you greet her as an old friend, who had religiously and faithfully documented every time the clock ticks, keeping records of every breath you've ever taken and every heartbeat skipped.
Hoping to provide you with moments to relive and revisit, vivid as can be?

Perhaps you see her as yourself, who holds different things.
Who although is made of totally different atoms, is exactly what you are currently.
One and the same.
Always, neverchanging?

And when you do meet her,
What would you say to her?
What would she say?

What the heart is supposed to do

This lump of muscles in me,
It's supposed to work.
It's supposed to pump blood into my streams,
It's supposed to be the thing keeping me alive.
Keeping me human.
What it's not supposed to do though is ache in soliditary, thinking it's strong enough and capable enough to be at the receving end of such humongous blows.
It's not supposed to ache this way.
It's not supposed to feel at all.
It's not supposed to break.
Not feel, or break.
Not feel or break.

Has you always been this way

That's really rude of you,
To be too nice to others.
Problem is if otherwise,
That'll be really rude of you.

Very alone

I learnt to make the toilet my safe spot, the place i'd run to after class to avoid people from realising how lonely I was.
I learnt to make mirrors company- reflections companion and empty spaces full of love.
I learnt to speak to my phone and reply for myself.
I learnt to starve and thirst.
I learnt to pick up social anxieties i've never once had.
And noone knows.

This is dumb, honestly coming from a person who actually likes being alone.
I can't help but feel... abandoned despite never belonging in the first place.
It's not like I did not try and change a thing; god knows I tried.
I have to find a place I belong- I cant continue being alone.