I will gather all my strength

Realise there is no need to sprinkle the thousand hopes i've been gripping tight in my fist

it's been almost a month

and my brain is still not back to shape

In trying to keep my feelings under control, i try to numb my thoughts

And in doing so, im just not present

Sometimes i go through the motion and im even afraid that i'll say nonsense because im just not thinking

You laugh at me when I mess up,

I never used to mess up 

You laughed at me when i couldnt multitask and you laughed because i was quiet 

But im just not present

Im physically there but that is it

My brain is just empty for the time being, i guess its way to protect itself 

Ive always been aware, present and purposeful in my actions

But this past month i havent been and i'll try to find myself again soon

It is really annoying when i make stupid mistakes that ive never made 

But i know why and im being gentle to myself

I know i just need time

And time is all i have, 

Thankfully.

I can see the last straws from here

Just not sure if it's on mine or your side

Keep pushing me, 

Perhaps I am capable of breaking away from you 

Sooner than I think

After all that's said and felt,

My hope is I did okay

Brought some joy and light even if the smallest bit

I can say I tried

I'll keep trying as long as you let me

My heart has hurt the past two hours

How is that even possible

Sometimes I accept it for what it is

But sometimes I see it as cruel

Sometimes necessary,

Oftentimes cruel

This losing of heart is bittersweet

Im tethering right in between letting go and holding on

My grip on you is loosening

If you give me a shove,

Maybe finally,

Your wishes of getting rid of me would be fulfilled